ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*