“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
When I said I liked it rough.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐