kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”