First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.