MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?