Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.