My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Ugh
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
operators are standing by to ignore your call