Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever