My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
You Might Also Like
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking