Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016