In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
lmfao come on
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult