*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?