Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once