It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.