My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.