“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle