My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
They got a point!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔