My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
O Wise One….
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”