My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m sorry…what?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.