People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.