I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Um … Hot Wings please
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???