sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
You Might Also Like
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
unbelievably distressed by this ad
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
selena gomez
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?