I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
You Might Also Like
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma