Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
If I ran a yoga class, I鈥檇 make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we鈥檒l start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
it鈥檚 so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 馃檪
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there