How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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is it earth
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Europe. Made in Germany.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
me opening up to someone
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.