The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.