When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
my mind
You just read my mind
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
the three branches of government
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
it must be school picture day
🙂🙃🥹
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe