Saving my good tweets for marriage
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Golf would be better with landmines.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
new record!
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.