I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
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The symmetry is uncanny.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
When you’re here for the treats.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers