The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I forgot how to panic. Help
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
The Book. The Movie.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*