Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.