*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“I’m helping” 😅
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know