Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Well, that didn’t work.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Love this guy
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.