when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
kitchen magnet
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.