Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
You Might Also Like
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”