Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.