If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
An odd boast
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Denise please return my vape pen
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids