When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“TGIM!” – My liver
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”