[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.