There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I bet
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.