[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
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I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
it’s a van. how do they not know this