obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’