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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Anyone really
He’s cranky this morning
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.