Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.