Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.