Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?