Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
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Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.