*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
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50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.