Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
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Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
yall want some gasoline milk
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Whoa 😂
So inspired right now.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit