You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Baller is short for ballerina
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly